Chapter 7, "How to Motivate with Choice and Control." No, not that kind of control. Do you remember Mark Twain's classic story about Tom Sawyer whitewashing the fence? His Aunt Polly implored him to go out and do the chore, which he did, begrudgingly. Well, that is, until one of his friends happened to walk by, at which point Tom pretended to be thoroughly enjoying himself.

Well, that is until one of his friends happened to walk by, at which point Tom pretended to be thoroughly enjoying himself. He greeted his friend while painting vigorously with a smile on his face. Understandably confused, his friend asked him what was going on. Clever Tom informed him that whitewashing is, in fact, a fun, enjoyable, and rare opportunity that doesn't come along every day.

Intrigued, his friend asked if he could give it a try. But Tom immediately told him no. It stood to reason that if he was going to give up his favorite pastime to his friend, then he should at least receive some compensation for it. This argument made sense to Tom's friend, so he offered him an apple, which Tom gladly exchanged for the paintbrush. Gradually, more friends came along. One thing led to another, and the story ended with a team of boys painting the fence while Tom relaxed under a tree, surrounded by all of the prizes his friends had offered him in exchange for the exquisite pleasure of being allowed to do his chore.

What the heck happened here? As the author himself Mark Twain once said, work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. That's the key to cultivating desire and, by extension, intrinsic motivation.

Ellen Langer, a professor of psychology at Harvard, famously said, when you perceive choice, you perceive motivation. We can infer that the reverse is also true. When you perceive that you don't have a choice-- obligation-- then motivation and desire will fade. In other words, your child cannot be internally motivated if they feel forced and controlled externally-- red-line motivation.

This is especially true when talking about individuals with Asperger's, who tend to have a high need for certainty and control. We'll talk more about that in the next chapter. Granted, rewards and punishments can be effective in the short term, and sometimes they're even necessary. After all, how many people would really pay taxes if it was voluntary?

However, for lasting changes in behavior, there must come a point where the individual recognizes the other available paths as valid options, and then they make the choice for themselves. Case in point, once upon a time, I was struggling through high school. And to be honest, I only went to class because I had to. Many times, I didn't even go at all.

Please understand, I've always loved learning, and I read books voraciously. But school didn't feel like play. It felt like work. There were countless mornings when my parents literally forced me out the door with a deadbolt thudding resolutely behind me. Oh, yeah, those were good times.

Of course, it wasn't just that I felt forced out of the house every morning. There were also a lot of other factors contributing to my struggles, such as hardcore defense mode, crippling depression, and paralyzing anxiety. It all swirled together into this perfect storm. My grades were abysmal, my attendance spotty, and in the end, I almost didn't graduate high school.

On the last day of my senior year, I remember walking home with my diploma in hand and feeling unbelievably relieved. I was finally free. Following that harrowing experience, I got a job, started living on my own, and I avoided anything resembling formal school for three years, until one day something changed. Seemingly out of the blue, I started becoming interested in the idea of college. This time around, something was different. I did my research on the pros and cons and eventually decided I wanted to go. I was genuinely excited about it, and I made that choice even though I already had a fantastic job that paid well.

I had many options available to me, and college was just one of them. I chose college anyway, fully understanding the positive and negative consequences of that choice. And boy did that make a world of a difference. College was still a lot like high school, with the same pointless busywork, semi-useless classes, and piles of homework. My emotional experience of it, however, was radically different. I woke up every morning knowing that I really didn't have to go to class or do homework, and I understood that if I didn't I could still keep working at my job, and I just wouldn't get the degree.

But I wanted that degree, so off I went to my classes, feeling interested and engaged. No one made me wake up early or do my homework. But I did it anyway. Oh, and I got straight A's in almost all of my classes. College was not my parents' choice or anyone else's. It was mine. Once college truly became my choice, then, without even realizing it, I took full responsibility for my own success or failure there.

Now, for the million dollar question-- how do you implement this powerful principle as a parent? Step 1, remember that you are not a drill sergeant. Back when the dinosaurs were young, my father was in the military, and he's told me lots of fascinating stories about the time he spent there. I particularly remember the unsettling accounts of how strict and grueling bootcamp was. His sergeant had the endearing habit of barking orders at the top of his lungs and expecting exact and unquestioning obedience.

This is a common practice in the military, largely out of necessity. In a real-time combat situation, there just isn't time for the more knowledgeable, higher ranking officers to explain all the whys and wherefores of the decisions they're making. Sometimes the person giving the orders makes a mistake. But most of the time, if you're a lowly soldier in the field, then your best chance at survival and/or serving the greater good is to follow orders.

In your case, however, I'm fairly certain your home is not an active war zone. Though I'm sure it might feel like one at times. There are very few instances in which it is strictly necessary for you to give orders and make demands without explanation and then enforce unquestioning obedience. Most of the time, there's a better way.

So take a second. I promise you, you can spare one second. Pause, breathe, and move away from the old habit of casually barking orders. There is a better and ultimately more effective way to ask your child to do the dishes without phrasing it as an ultimatum or using the dreaded words "because I'm the parent and I said so."

Step 2, present a choice. Remember, when people perceive choice, they perceive motivation. That's what you want to do here-- give your child a real choice. There are a few different ways to go about this. Before I dive into this, it's important to clarify that in the examples below there would normally be a lot more natural back and forth dialogue, questions, discussion, and less bullet point style lecturing.

I kept the examples short and sweet to give you a general idea without boring you. Option one, open-ended choice. This is by far the most broad approach and the one that offers the greatest amount of choice and freedom to your child. It looks something like this. What would you like to have for dinner? When would you like to do your homework? I could really use some help today. What would you be willing to give me a hand with? It looks like we're really struggling with X. What do you think we should do?

Asking an open-ended question like this gives nearly complete control and flexibility to your child within a broad set of limits. This approach is fantastic for situations where the particulars, like what or when, don't really matter as much. You invite your child to think and solve problems with you as an equal. Doing this shows a great amount of deference to your child's capacity for reasoning and making decisions.

Caution, first, open-ended choices create the possibility for an invasion of boundaries, which can lead to conflict, i.e. what time would you like to go to bed tonight-- 3:00 AM. Oh, sorry, we can't do that. That's way too late. But you said. Avoid offering open-ended choices in situations where one or more of the possible options are not acceptable to you.

Second, individuals with Asperger's tend to like structure and specificity. So when you offer your child an open-ended choice, they may become overwhelmed by the sheer number of available choices. If this is the case, then you can try breaking the choice down into smaller chunks, changing the question, using one of the other options below, or simply take a break from the conversation and come back later when everyone feels more calm and refreshed.

Option two, multiple choice. This approach is great for presenting choices within more narrow and specific limits while still granting concessions where you can. Most importantly, it shows respect to your child's ever-present ability to make their own choices. For example, we're grilling chicken for dinner tonight. Would you like barbecue, teriyaki, or sweet and sour sauce on yours?

I understand you've got roughly two hours of homework tonight. As we discussed in our responsibility agreement, that needs to be done before bedtime at 9:00. Would you like to get started now, in one hour, or in two? If I'm doing the math right, it looks like we'd have to get started by 7:00 at the latest.

I need help around the house today. Would you like to mow the lawn, load the dishwasher, or clean the upstairs bathroom? It looks like we're really struggling with X, and something needs to change. From my perspective, we can either do Y or Z. So unless you have some different ideas or I'm missing some information, which of those two options would you like to choose?

Option three, hard line. Sometimes there are instances where there's not really any flexibility or room for negotiation. The black and white binary nature of the situation creates a hard line between the available choices. In moments like these, all there is to do is first make the request politely and then educate regarding that choice. Just state the facts, state what's expected, acknowledge the available choices, and let them know how you will respond. You can then give them any relevant information they might be missing. More on that in the next chapter. At the end of the day, they can still decide to reject your request and accept the natural consequences of that choice.

Hey, buddy. We'll be having lasagna for dinner, and it's important to me that we eat dinner together as a family. I know that's not your favorite, so although I'd love for you to join us, I won't force you to the table. Just be aware, if you choose not to eat with us, I'm not planning on fixing anything else tonight. So it would be up to you to decide what you want and make it yourself. Natural consequence.

As we discussed in our responsibility agreement, as soon as homework is done, you can play video games as much as you want until bedtime. I did my random weekly homework check today, and I noticed that your math homework isn't done yet. The way I see it, there are a couple of options here. I would love for you to pause the game, go get it done real quick, I'll double check it, and then you can come back and keep playing. No harm, no foul.

Of course, if you decide not to do it and keep playing, I can't stop you, and I won't get into a power struggle with you. I can only inform you of what choice I'm going to make. I will keep coming back every few minutes to repeat my request that you do your homework. So your gameplay will be frequently interrupted and probably won't be nearly as enjoyable. Natural consequence.

It's Saturday, which means it's lawn-mowing day. Woot! Your brother will be taking the mower the rest of the day for his lawn care business, so we only have the next hour to get our lawn mowed. As you know, that takes about an hour to do. Could you go take care of that for me, please?

OK. Of course, you can choose not to do it. I can't drag you out there. It does need to get done right now. So if you choose not to do it, then I'll have to go take care of it myself. I have a lot to get done today. So if I have to take an hour to mow the lawn, then, unfortunately, I won't have time to go see that movie with you later tonight. I know you were really looking forward to that. Opportunity cost. Are you OK with accepting that consequence?

Here are the facts. X situation isn't working anymore. Y is what your father and I are going to do. Z is what we would like your help with. Are you OK with all of that? Obviously, you can choose not to do any or all of that. We won't force you. Just be aware that we will move forward with YZ regardless, and we will enact ABC consequences if/when X happens.

As you can see, drawing a hard line still presents a choice as it acknowledges both paths, yes and no, as perfectly valid options. However, it also comes with an if/then attached to it so that your child can be fully aware of the choice they are making and the consequence they might be choosing to accept.

There's no anger, no pressure, no threats, just a calm overview of the facts, the available paths, and an education about where each of those paths will lead. There's also the advantage of having most of the work front loaded. When the bulk of the conversation happens beforehand, there is little need for renegotiation after the fact.

Option four, ultimatum slash control. There are rare and unfortunate situations in which parents cannot offer their kids a choice. And the biggest indicator of success in these situations is complete transparency. Be honest with your kids when they really don't have a choice. The ultimatum control response is only appropriate when you are prepared to truthfully say that your child does not have a real choice and enforce it if necessary.

For example, let's say that Margaret's son Johnny was actively suicidal or her daughter Suzie was freaking out and threatening the family with a knife. Perhaps she saw her two-year-old running out into a busy street. Those are all instances in which she should intervene. Her child no longer has any say in what's going to happen. Ideally, this would just involve talking. But it might also mean physically holding them or calling the police.

A situation involving harm to self and/or others is not an instance where you want to step back and allow someone to experience the natural consequences of their actions. They may hate your guts forever, but intervention could save their life.

Caution-- avoid the ultimatum control option except in rare instances where the line is truly severe, such as the examples mentioned above. Here at AE, we consider health and safety to be the bottom line that supersedes everything, including defense mode. Control is unfortunately necessary in some of these extreme situations.

Generally, however, you want to avoid the ultimatum option like the plague. Control is, without a doubt, one of the worst ways to try to motivate someone. In fact, the main reason I've mentioned this option at all is to caution you to avoid it. There is a very real difference between situations that require motivation versus those that require intervention.

Please don't ever use ultimatums for common situations such as daily chores or homework. Winning those battles just isn't worth the cost of the power struggle and the long-lasting damage that struggle will incur on your relationship with your child. Seriously, just don't. It's not worth it. If you want further clarification on this topic, see our website, aspergerexperts.com.