Chapter 2, "How to motivate with spoons."

Yes, you read that right, spoons. We've all had moments where, despite our exceptional intelligence, we make rather poor decisions. Last summer, my cousin, whom I love dearly, had one of those moments. He was attempting a crazy stunt on his four wheeler when he lost control of the vehicle. He crashed and broke his leg. Most tragically of all, this happened right at the beginning of his summer long break from school.

When you look at someone like my cousin hopping around on a broken leg, the limitations to their capabilities are somewhat apparent. You understand that it's not reasonable to expect him to get up off the couch and go run the New York City Marathon. Until his leg heals, he needs a crutch. And I see absolutely no problem with giving it to him. However, when we're talking about someone with Asperger's, their current limitations are not so obvious.

Spoons. In 2003, a brilliant woman by the name of Christine Miserandino published an essay entitled The Spoon Theory, which went on to change the way people think about mental and physical challenges.

Here's the short and sweet version. Spoons is a metaphor, a code word to describe and measure how much physical and emotional capacity each of us has to get through the day. Imagine you start the day bright and early with 10 spoons.

You use up one spoon getting out of bed and getting ready, then another four to five spoons throughout the day at work. Maybe the commute home was particularly long and stressful. So it used up three spoons instead of the usual one. Then your last two, to 3 spoons get used up that evening, making dinner, hanging out with the family, and working on a little project before going to bed.

At the end of the night, you collapse into bed just as you start to run out of steam. If you're lucky, you might even end some days feeling really good and with a spoon or two to spare. Make sense? Cool.

Now imagine that your Asperger's child starts the day with five spoons instead of 10. They have to try to accomplish many of the same things you do with half the amount of internal resources. And let's not forget that they might have additional things like sensory issues or social anxiety that will sap their spoons even further.

For you, taking a shower might be rather cheap in terms of its cost to your spoons. For your Asperger's child, it might be a five spoon ordeal because of sensory issues, cold air, bright lights, weird textures, dry skin, just to name a few, and intense emotions such as anxiety. They might even lose a spoon just from the stress of thinking about taking a shower, and then another spoon from the added stress of knowing they shouldn't be this stressed about something as simple as taking a shower. It's a vicious cycle.

When you extrapolate that simple idea to your child's entire daily routine, then is it any wonder that they just look completely done when they come home after school? They might even have a meltdown. While it may only be the middle of the afternoon, they're exhausted. Their spoons are gone. And they have nothing left to give.

Granted, they might be able to get one or two spoons back by taking some time to decompress and take care of themselves. But that's still not a lot when you're only halfway through the day. They really need five spoons to make it until bedtime, but they're only able to recover one.

As a result, they might find themselves trying to make the difficult choice between taking a shower or finishing one of their homework assignments. Because they're fairly certain they don't have enough spoons to do both. If things get really tight, as they often do, they can always borrow from tomorrow's spoons by pushing themselves past their limit. But they'll pay the price the next day and start with even fewer spoons than usual.

So you see, while your child's leg might not be broken, there might still be some things that they just don't have the capacity to do right now. And that's OK. By the way, I say "right now" because I sincerely believe that one can overcome many of the challenges associated with Asperger's through knowledge, practice, and skill.

Additionally, your child's emotional capacity for stress will naturally increase as they get older and their brain develops. Yes, it's important to recognize and understand your child's limitations and, metaphorically speaking, understand how fast they are capable of running right now. However, please don't make the mistake of believing that they will be running at the same speed for the rest of their life, or even for the rest of the year.

Where do your spoons come from? Do you feel that right there in your chest? Listen. That's your heart. That's what's keeping you alive right now. If you're like most people, your heart will have beat roughly 4,800 times in the last hour, 80 beats per minute. However, what you may not realize is that not all of those beats were exactly the same.

Most people's heart beat tends to be pretty steady, but not perfectly so. Some beats happen a little faster and therefore, closer together. Others are just a little slower and farther apart. That variation between your heart beats has a special, though not very original term, heart rate variability.

A little ways behind your heart is your spine, which supports your neck and head and runs down to your tailbone. Do you feel it there, strong and steady? It's got your back. Pun intended. Running along and through your spine are a lot of different nerves, all of them important.

However, for today, we're going to focus on just one of them, the vagus nerve. Pronounced like Las Vegas, but spelled differently. It plays a role in a lot of critical functions. A couple of which are controlling your heart rate and the regulation of the stress response: fight, flight, or freeze.

Basically, the vagus nerve's job is to keep your heart rate steady, calm you down, and then keep you calm. Because of the vagus nerve's direct connection to the heartbeat, there's this handy method of measuring how well it's doing its job.

Measuring your heart rate variability, HRV. See graph below. If your HRV is crazy and all over the place, high variability, then your vagus nerve is currently struggling. You have what's called low vagal tone. And chances are excellent that you get stressed out more easily. You probably tend to feel more anxiety. And in general, it's just harder for you to regulate and deal with negative emotions. Low vagal tone is often seen in individuals with PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder.

On the flip side, we have those with high vagal tone. Here you have an HRV that almost runs like clockwork. Of course, there's still some variation. We live in reality, after all, and reality means stress is inevitable. However, individuals with high vagal tone are less reactive to that stress. It is easier for them to deal with difficult situations and negative emotions as they arise. They're cool as a cucumber. They're able to take things as they come, and let it roll off them like water off a duck's back.

So who cares? Why am I boring you with all this science stuff? Good question. Here's the bottom line. Low vagal tone equals defense mode. They go hand in hand. Defense mode is a state in which someone with Asperger's is scared, frustrated or angry, as well as shut down and withdrawn.

On the behavioral level, defense mode typically manifests as some variation of fight, flight, or freeze. Low vagal tone is a state in which someone is naturally more susceptible to stress and negative emotion, and therefore, more likely to react with fear and anger. They're more likely to lash out, run, or shut down. Fight, flight, or freeze. Low vagal tone equals defense mode.

Further reading.

Want to really understand the science of this? I would recommend you read The Polyvagal Theory by Dr. Stephen Porges. Honestly, it's a rather academic brick of a book, but it's absolutely fascinating. This matters because I want you to understand that there is a real biological basis for why your Asperger's child is in defense mode and has fewer spoons than you. You can literally measure it with an ECG, electrocardiogram.

When your child is in defense mode, they will naturally have fewer spoons because they'll lose them more quickly. A stressor that feels imperceptibly minor to you might feel enormous to them. Even positive emotions, like excitement, can feel overwhelming to your child and can be draining in their own way.

Your child's vagus nerve is not functioning at full capacity. And therefore, they are not physically capable of regulating their emotions and stress response the same way that you do. They are often a lot closer to their breaking point and can become overwhelmed more quickly.

Please recognize that this is not some sort of moral failing on their part. We don't yet fully understand why trauma, like being in a war zone, or the innate neurological differences of autism, such as sensory issues, can cause damage and inflammation to one's vagus nerve. But we know it happens.

Now that we know that this happens, what do we do about it? Start small. Do you remember in physics class when your teacher droned on about Newton's three laws of motion? Well, if you fell asleep, no worries. Here's a quick refresher for you. The first law is called the law of inertia. Among other things, it states that an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted on by an outside force.

Believe it or not, this rule kind of applies to humans, too. No, I'm not talking about rolling your annoying friend down a mountain just to see what happens. I'm talking about micro-commitments that lead to big results. What is a micro-commitment? Basically, it's a small, easily accomplishable piece of a larger task that still stands alone as its own task.

For example, your homework might consist of 100 math problems. But 100 is a lot to think about, and it might feel overwhelming. So a micro-commitment would be committing to do just one or two problems, or writing one sentence for your essay, or picking up and putting away three things in your messy room, or slipping on your running shoes.

The beauty of micro-commitments is that once you've started into a task, oftentimes you find it's so much easier to just keep going. The hardest part was simply starting. I mean, you're standing there with running shoes already on, so you go ahead and do some stretches. Now you'd feel like an idiot if all that was for nothing, so you end up going running after all. Inertia tends to follow the path of least resistance.

You may think, write 10 pages? No way. That's too much. I'm just going to lie here and watch another episode on Netflix. Oh wait, just write three sentences? I can do that, no problem. It'll only take a second. And then inertia takes you the rest of the way.

Here's the takeaway. If you or your child struggles with certain tasks, see what you can do to break it down into smaller, less scary, and more digestible chunks, especially if spoons are running low. This technique works because we tend to be bad at estimating exactly how many spoons we have left. You may feel like you've only got two spoons. And you might be right. But what if you actually have more? What if you have fewer? Let's do a little experiment to find out. After all, why guess when you can know?

When you only have two spoons left, the idea of doing 100 math problems feels like a bit too much. But five math problems seems manageable. So you get started, and you do five. Then you realize, this isn't so bad. You actually had more spoons than you thought you did. So you decide you might as well just keep going.

On the other hand, you may discover that you were right all along, and you simply don't have enough energy to do more than five, which is totally cool. Now you've done your five, so go relax. Decompress, take care of yourself, and come back to the task again later when you've recovered a few spoons. Sound good? Cool. But don't run off and start micro committing out the wazoo just yet.

First, a few pointers. One, less drill sergeant , more Dalai Lama. This may seem fairly obvious, but it still bears mentioning. If your child spoons are low, and they are in defense mode, then the last thing they need is a yelling drill sergeant getting up close and personal. Getting angry will only serve to overwhelm them more.

Ideally, you want to guide them with a gentle firm hand, rather than jerking on the reins with white knuckled fists. Believe it or not, it's possible to be your child's parent and their friend at the same time. As their friend, you ask questions, acknowledge the reality and validity of their feelings, and you show them that you're on their team.

As their parent, you provide structure to their environment, encourage them to be their best, and urged them to give their homework a shot, even if it's only for five math problems. Your best and your child's best is not a constant. It will vary from day to day, hour to hour, and moment to moment.

For example, you're able to run farther and faster when you're healthy than when you have the flu. Some days, your best might be flying around in a state of cheerful energy and productivity. Other days, your best might be simply eating breakfast and moving from the bed to the couch. Sometimes you have an amazing morning, but feel drained by lunchtime. And that's OK.

It's important to always strive for improvement and personal growth. Just be sure that along the way, you give yourself permission to be the best "you," you can be in that particular moment, even if that person is different from yesterday. Give your child permission to do the same.

Work hard when you can, and compromise when needed. Encourage your child to be at their best, whatever that happens to be in the moment. But don't push them past their breaking point. And don't keep asking for more when they have nothing left to give.

Two, be honest about the horizon. If you tell your child they only have to do five math problems and then they are done for the day, keep your word. Afterwards, you may choose to present the option of continuing if they feel like they can keep going, but don't expect them to. You said five, so don't go back on your word.

The reason we're doing this is that managing expectations and earning trust are essential for preventing anger and frustration. Anger usually arises from violated expectations. If you want to take this a step further, then the next time you see a potential disappointment on the horizon, or when you might have to deviate from the norm, let your child know well in advance.

Will it stress them out? Probably. Is it still preferable to them, having their expectations for what should be shattered in the moment? Definitely. When we manage others' expectations by being straightforward about what's realistically possible, it's a way of inoculating them against future anger and disappointment.

For the expectations and protocols that are consistent and long standing: bedtime routines, homework rules, video game privileges, et cetera, you need to co-create the plans and protocols together. Some examples of this would be creating a menu plan as a family or drafting a responsibility agreement, a two way agreement that is co-created between equals, with commitments and consequences on both sides, with your child. This takes some time to do properly, but it's absolutely worth it.

Three. Slow and steady wins the race. If a task causes your child great anxiety, you may need to start small and build up over time, adding piece by piece over the course of days, weeks, or even months. I.e., yesterday we did one math problem without having a meltdown. So today, we're only going to do two, and so on.

As a parent, you can experiment and decide what pace will be best suited to your child's needs. Be sure to heap on the praise for their effort, from time to time. It's the little rewards and positive feedback that will ultimately reinforce and cement this new behavior. Psychologists call this successive approximations, if you'd like to research it and get a deeper understanding of how to do it.

You may feel anxious about the fact that your child currently has an F in math class. But don't worry about that right now. This technique is all about looking at the big picture. It's far better that your child fail a few assignments over the next few weeks, but eventually arrive at a place where they can do all 100 problems, instead of pushing for the whole 100 right now and continuing to remain stuck indefinitely. You may want to let your child's math teacher in on your strategy and see if they're willing to work with you on this.

Four. Breathe and take five. If there's a task that has to be accomplished in its entirety today, you can split it up into smaller chunks with breaks in between. For example, we're going to do five math problems, take a five minute break, and then come back and do five more.

It may be slow and tedious, but it may also be the only way your child can stomach the idea of doing math at all. Sitting down and doing a 100 problem math marathon just feels like too much right now. Be mindful of your child's current capacity and don't push them past what they can bear.

People with Asperger's are really strong, and they can handle a lot. But if they're just out of spoons and at their breaking point, then you may just need to accept the fact that this task won't get done today. If the choice is ever between sacrificing your child's mental and emotional health or not checking something off to do list, then health and well-being wins every time.

Five. Choose your rabbits. The eagle that chases two rabbits catches neither. Hindu proverb. That is one of my favorite quotes, and I recite it often to my clients, particularly in the first session. Whenever I start coaching parents, we're usually trying to get to know each other and find a common direction in which to move forward. One of the very first questions I will ask is about their goals, hopes, and dreams for the next few months.

A common response I get back is an extensive laundry list, composed of every single concern mom and dad have ever had about their child. I listen carefully to make sure I understand the full picture. And then I'll ask them, if you could only choose three of those, which three would make the biggest difference for you? I want them to identify their most important rabbits.

That question tends to focus their priorities immediately. And from there, we'll be able to narrow our list of 20 goals down to a more manageable 2 or 3. In some instances, you might feel like the other 20 rabbits that you have to chase are all really, really important. However, I can promise you that if you try and tackle all those issues at the same time, then you will spread your time, energy, and resources too thin. And you will completely overwhelm your child. You will become stuck.

So if you're having trouble choosing a rabbit, then look at worst case scenario for each one. Do this by asking yourself, what happens if we don't focus on this one right away? Then choose the rabbit whose worst case scenario you just can't live with.

I can assure you, the other rabbits will still be there six months from now. You have time, so use it. It may feel like you're going slower by only focusing on a couple of goals at a time. But in reality, you'll be moving more quickly and methodically towards where you want to be. OK. That's all folks. Now you and your wazoo are free to go and micro commit to your heart's content. So take your spoons and go do something awesome with them.

Further reading. If you or your child feel chronically fatigued and low on willpower, then it's possible that your limited spoons go beyond stress or defense mode. There could also be underlying physical causes such as nutritional deficiencies or an undiagnosed medical condition.

If that idea piques your interest, then I recommend you check out the book The Exhaustion Breakthrough by Holly Phillips, M.D. It's one of the most comprehensive books I've ever found on fatigue. By the way, as a forewarning for the guys, the book talks a lot about women's fatigue. But the vast majority of the science in there is still universally applicable. Seriously, go check it out. It may also be a good idea to chat with your doctor about your concerns.