Chapter 3, "How to Motivate by Adding Resources-- Cousins, Crutches, and Electric Wheelchairs." Remember my cousin with the broken leg? Well, let's imagine that instead of being given two tall, sturdy crutches to get around on, he was given only one crutch that was made for someone half his size. Or worse, let's imagine that he wasn't given crutches at all. Would it be reasonable for me to ask him to go outside and get the mail for me? Of course not. He doesn't have the tools and resources he needs to accomplish what I've asked him to do. Although it would certainly be entertaining to watch him try.

Things start to get tricky when the missing resources are not as visibly apparent as my cousin's miniature crutch or your child's low vagal tone. See previous chapter. Folks, here's the meat and potatoes. When you're trying to change or encourage a particular behavior, capability is the first and most important place to start.

Many people believe that if someone doesn't appear to be motivated it's because they don't want it. People hardly ever look deeper to find that someone actually does want something. They just don't have the capacity and capability. As a coach, I see this every day when talking to parents. They tell me they've been trying for years to compel their kid to get a job, wake up on time, you name it. Then I talk to the kid directly, and they tell me that they love the idea of having a job or magically being able to wake up on time. They're just so deep in defense mode and so low on spoons that the idea sounds like wishful thinking.

For example, let's say that your child didn't do their homework. That might be 100% a motivation issue in the sense that they were out of defense mode and they had all the time, knowledge, spoons, resources, et cetera to do it, and they just simply chose not to. However, the vast majority of the time I've found it's actually a capability issue, first and foremost. There was something going on under the surface, and they felt blocked in some way, either internally or externally.

As [? Carla ?] [? Lascaux, ?] PhD said so succinctly, "Everyone is always doing as well as they can within their personal limitations, their personal history, what they know and don't know, and what they're feeling in the moment. If they could make a healthier decision, they would. This includes you."

If you're ever unsure, give your child the benefit of the doubt. Assume that they really do-- or at least could-- want it and it's just a capability issue. Even if it's a mix and it's 90% "I didn't want to" and 10% "I felt blocked," then address the 10% first. You'll be trying to swim upstream until you do.

To overcome these sorts of upstream situations, you need to understand and address all the different kinds of capability issues, which tend to fall into one of three categories. Three kinds of capability issues-- one, personal capability. If I ask you to buy this shiny new product for $40 and you only have $20 in your wallet, then it doesn't matter how good a salesman I am. I'm never going to make that sale.

If your son doesn't understand how to do his math homework, then it's going to be very tricky to convince him to just do it because it's important. Your daughter normally loves people, but today she's in defense mode and out of spoons. So going to that family party tonight is probably the last thing on her mind.

That's what this category is all about. Personal capability deals with things such as knowledge and skill, whether or not they're in defense mode, emotional capacity, spoons, physical capability, time, access to resources, such as money and tools. You get the idea. Before you can accomplish something, you need to be physically, emotionally, and mentally capable of doing it. The majority of capability blocks tend to fall into this category.

Two, third-person capability. If someone else is involved or needed for a particular task, then your child's ability to accomplish that task will depend heavily on that person's availability and willingness to do their part. For example, if you need information from your boss to finish a project but you can't contact him or her, then you are blocked.

Another version of a third-person capability block would be someone else, intentionally or not, creating a situation in which it becomes more difficult to accomplish X, Y, or Z, such as having a friend that encourages your child to ignore homework since they don't think it's important-- peer pressure.

If the needed person is absent, then you and your child will have to get creative and see if you can accomplish the task without the other person, or in spite of them. Alternatively, you can try to contact them to explain what you need and/or draw a boundary with them. It's not always a guarantee that you'll be able to reach them or that they will say yes. Third-person capability is by far the most difficult to solve out of the three because it's the most difficult to influence directly.

Three, environmental capability. Your environment can either work for you or against you. It's more difficult to stay strong on a diet if there's lots of unhealthy snacks throughout the house. You're a lot less likely to exercise if your gym is 20 minutes out of your way. Likewise, if your child has sensory issues and can't stand the smell of your bathroom, then they will not want to go in there and do basic hygiene. Your child is a lot less likely to do their homework if they can't find a pencil.

Alternatively, it might be difficult for them to study and focus on a messy kitchen table with the TV and 17 and 1/2 small children blaring in the background. Examine your environment and see if there's anything you can change, add, or take away in order to make it easier to do X, Y, Z. After all, swimming upstream is so tiring.

The part where I tell you what to do-- politely. To address a capability issue in any given situation, you first need to identify where the blocks might exist. Of course, the simplest and most straightforward way to do this would be to ask your child directly. But sometimes people lie or refuse to talk because they're embarrassed or uncomfortable.

Alternatively, your child might not have the vocabulary, understanding, and self-awareness to describe what's actually going on-- or both. If any of the above is the case, don't give up at the first sign of resistance. Be sensitive and speak compassionately. Take time to address your child's feelings and mitigate their concerns. Hold space for them. Ask questions and practice deep listening. Explain why you're asking and what your intentions are.

Failing that, you might have to take the long route. Sit down and make a list of everything you think it could be based on your observations and intuition. Maybe they don't understand how to do their math homework. Maybe they're overwhelmed and out of spoons. Maybe they need a protractor for the math assignment but they don't know where to find it. Maybe the TV is too loud and they're having trouble focusing. Maybe they haven't eaten today. Maybe they didn't get enough sleep last night, et cetera.

Remember, we're not just looking for things that might be fully preventing them from accomplishing the task, but also for things that might be simply making it more difficult. Don't just make the task possible. Make it easier, too. Get inertia working for you instead of against you.

After you've made your list, unfortunately, the only thing that's left is trial and error. Add whatever missing knowledge and resources you can, such as showing them Khan Academy videos where they can have practically any math concept explained step by step and do practice problems. And remove whatever blocks and hindrances you can. Turn off the TV and give them a clean, quiet study place. Offer to give them a back rub to help them de-stress and recharge. The list is endless.

Begin with items on the list that you believe might be the most complicating factors and keep moving forward from there. Oftentimes, capability blocks are a combination of a few different things, not just one. Some of them might even be hidden and seemingly unconnected. Be thorough and keep observing and experimenting. It's OK if you miss some things or make some mistakes. You're supposed to. That's how an ongoing, iterative process works. As you go through the steps in the cycle over and over things will become clearer easier and more streamlined common mistakes.

I was once working with a mother who had a 20-something-year-old son living in her basement. She complained to me that he never did anything except play video games. I asked her to describe what approaches she tried so far and what a typical day looked like. What she said next genuinely surprised me. It turned out that her son had no regard for cleanliness and self-care. So, bless her heart, mom would go down to the basement every day to clean and organize his room.

She also said he wouldn't eat very often, so she would bring him down a warm, tasty meal three times a day. Other than that, she left him alone to do his thing. Gosh, is it any wonder that he has zero motivation to do anything? He has a private maid, a personal chef, and he gets to play video games all day. Why on Earth would he ever leave?

Mom's intentions were good and noble, but she was inadvertently crippling her son by doing everything for him. Parents, letting your child be uncomfortable is not the same as abuse. Growth can only come outside of one's comfort zone.

When you address capability issues, it's important to recognize where the broken legs exist and provide the needed crutch. Please remember, however, not to get carried away and give your child an electric wheelchair. What's the difference? When you give your son or daughter a crutch, you're providing the boundaries, guidance, and resources they really need in order to accomplish X, Y, Z. But you're still stepping back and allowing them to do what they can. You are empowering them, removing roadblocks, and, most importantly, not doing it for them.

One of their legs may be broken, but they still have one good working leg. So by all means, let them use it. Let them do what they can with what they have. If you take over and do too much of the work for them, then they may develop a mindset of learned helplessness. We'll cover more on that in chapter 5.

Further reading-- to learn more about how to motivate and influence holistically by addressing the three areas of capability, among other things, I highly recommend you read Influencer by Vitalsmarts. It is one of the greatest books ever written on the science and practice of driving change.