Definition of Asperger's. What is Asperger's anyway? Asperger's is a neurological condition that causes a person to become overwhelmed by their sensations, be unable to connect socially with their peers, and to start to withdraw into a world of their own creation.

Now, if you ask a doctor, the term "Asperger's" has actually been phased out, and it's now replaced with autism spectrum disorder, at least according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the DSM-5. Isn't that a friendly and pleasant name?

But it essentially means the same thing. It's just a different label. We continue to use the word "Asperger's" because it still holds a lot of meaning for some people. They still identify with it, and they still know what it stands for.

To us, the difference between someone with Asperger's and a neurotypical, someone who has a typical or average nervous system, is like the difference between a Mac and a PC. They're both computers. They can both access Google. There are slight differences in hardware and software between the two. But they both accomplished most of the same functions. The icons may be slightly moved, things may work a little differently, and there may be distinct workflow steps to get to the same function, but it's all still there, and it all still works. Each type is just for different kinds of people.

Many individuals ask for specific advice when it comes to those with Asperger's, such as what school is best for someone with Asperger's. But that's like asking the question, what type of school is good for someone with blonde hair? That's not a question you would ask, because people with blonde hair are just people. People with Asperger's are people. We just have a different way of looking at the world.

Let's go deeper and break down that definition of Asperger's that I gave you at the beginning. We'll start with a neurological difference. The key word here is "difference." It is not a disease. There is nothing contagious about it. It is not something that's wrong. It is literally just a different way of thinking and being in the world.

Technically, Asperger's is a syndrome, which just means a group of symptoms. A symptom is just another way of saying there's a set of behaviors, actions, or effects that we are going to group together. So in reality, Asperger's isn't anything more than a different way of existing in the world.

The second part of our definition sentence is "overwhelmed by sensation." That means we are constantly shut down because there is way too much input coming in. Sights, sounds, smells, touch, taste, and the internal felt sense of our various bodily systems all work together to inform our understanding of the world. But people with Asperger's can't handle and process all of that information adequately.

"Overwhelmed by sensation" also means that we are in defense mode a lot. Defense mode is a state where we are disconnected and extremely overwhelmed and literally terrified of everything. In scientific terms, that means we have low vagal tone and faulty neuroception. We'll talk in much more depth about defense mode in the defense mode section of this book.

The next part of our sentence is "be unable to connect socially." People with Asperger's are usually unable to connect socially in a meaningful way. And since a large part of being able to emotionally regulate and be a successful contributor to society depends on your ability to form and keep meaningful relationships in your life, those on the autism spectrum tend to greatly struggle with this area.

The last part of the sentence is "withdrawal into a world of their own creation." What that means is that, due to defense mode, low vagal tone, and faulty neuroception, like we discussed briefly, the actual world sometimes seems too threatening and too scary. So we tend to withdraw into our own world and become overfocused on and overspecialized in one thing. As a result of this, we become really, really good at our expert topic but largely unable to function to varying degrees outside of our specialty.

As I said earlier, at the end of the day, Asperger's is just a label. It's a word used to describe a whole bunch of symptoms like anxiety, depression, lack of social skills, and obsession. That's it. That's all there is. It's just a label. It's like saying I'm standing in a collection of brick and glass and steel and stone rather than in a building. It's not a defect. There is no moral failing. It's just a different way of seeing and participating in the world. Nothing is wrong here. And when you understand that, nothing changes, and everything changes. You stop seeing yourself as something that is broken, that needs to be fixed, and you start seeing yourself as a whole, valid human who just needs to find their place in the world.

Sensory funnel. This is the sensory funnel, and it describes how Asperger's works. The biggest problem we see is that most of the parents, teachers, therapists, and people on the spectrum tend to focus on the top part of the funnel, the executive function and the social skills issue, while completely ignoring the rest.

Here's the thing. The rest of the funnel-- the sensory issues, the emotional component, and the awareness piece-- those are the most important part. That's what really matters. If you work on the bottom three pieces, I found that the social skills and executive functioning pieces either resolve themselves or become extremely easy to resolve.

So let's break down the sensory funnel starting with the bottom. When I say sensory, I mean the five senses, like sight and smell, but also the internal visceral sensations such as your heart beating and your gut gurgling. I also mean the sensory component to emotional states-- for example, if you have anxiety and you can physically feel your throat closing and your chest tightening, or when you feel gratitude, there's a warm sensation going through your body. The problem is that all of these sensory inputs really overwhelm a lot of people with Asperger's-- shut them down and put them into defense mode.

And then we get the emotional issues layered on top of the sensory issues, which further compounds things. Now, not only do you have overwhelm from a sensation, you also have anxiety about a sensation happening again.

Then it gets further compounded by depression. You have anger, shame, and associated emotional issues. Because of all of these overwhelming issues, you're in defense mode so deep that you constantly feel like you're being attacked from everywhere. Then your awareness shuts down, and you hide and wait.

This may not be your exact experience as someone on the spectrum. But from the thousands of people with Asperger's I've personally talked to, I bet it's darn close. Anyway, then comes the awareness piece. In short, the more defense mode you have, the less you are aware of yourself, where you are in space-- think coordination-- and your impact on others.

Now, finally, we get to the social skills piece. Asperger's is a social skills deficit, they say. Let's teach them social skills, they exclaim. Think for a moment about how you learned the social skills you do have. For example, I talk with my hands a lot. I didn't read Talking With Your Hands 101 to be able to learn how to talk with my hands. When you reflect on this, you realize that the way people with Asperger's learn social skills that are real and genuine and not a flowchart of if they do this, then say that, is the same way everyone else learns social skills, through observation and mimicry. The problem is you need to have a certain level of awareness to do that, which means you need to be adequately out of defense mode, meaning you're not constantly overwhelmed by sensory input.

Finally, there is the last piece of the sensory funnel, the executive functioning piece. This is the last piece to activate because executive functioning, simply put, is the ability to be on top of things, to organize your life, follow a plan or a schedule or a checklist, and get things done in a reasonable fashion.

When you think about it, that takes a lot of emotional capacity, social capacity, and, on top of all else, a strong need to not be internally freaking out 24/7. It's hard to maintain and follow a schedule when you're deep in defense mode.

So how do you use this information in your life? Where should you start? A lack of social skills is a symptom of being too overwhelmed and in defense mode. And until you get somebody with Asperger's out of defense mode, you won't be able to teach them social skills. It's like taking somebody in Iraq that's involved in an active battle and saying, hey, do you want to learn how to knit? While they may want to make sweaters, they have more important things on their mind right now. They're just trying to stay alive.

So until you can get them to where they are not just trying to stay alive, when they are calm and able to take in more life instead of being in defense mode, survival mode, all the time, then they won't really learn anything. You can teach them all the social and executive functioning skills you want, but they will not be receptive to them until you deal with the sensory, emotional, and awareness pieces first.