Part 3-- The Outside World. Stories, Perspectives, and Getting Help. Is your definition the same as mine?

My parents used to come up to me and say, "Clean your room." So I did. And then when I told my parents I'd clean my room, they would go in and check and get mad because I hadn't cleaned my room when I said I had. Obviously, this led to immense frustration because I had cleaned my room, and they were telling me, I hadn't.

Breakdowns in communication like this inevitably lead to frustration because everybody feels like they aren't being heard and understood. This makes it even harder to communicate because you get into this self-perpetuating cycle of not feeling heard and therefore, feeling like you really need to make yourself heard. And then, you blow off everyone else, which makes them listen less, which makes it even harder to communicate.

So you'd think the answer would be learn how to communicate, right? Yes. But it depends on what you mean by communicate.

Just like when my parents told me to clean my room, I learned that people can have wildly different definitions of the same word. Before you can effectively communicate and have conversations, there needs to be a shared understanding.

When you look at the word communication and its Latin root communis, it means to make common. So if you are speaking Italian and somebody else is speaking French, the first thing that you would do if you need to work together is create a common language. That seems obvious, right? Yet when people are speaking the same language-- let's say English-- a lot of times, they still don't have a shared language because your version of clean room is entirely different from their version of clean room.

The first thing you do in this case is to make sure that your version of clean and their version of clean are the same and everybody knows what clean means. I've heard some people actually take pictures of a clean room, mount those pictures on a poster board, and say, this is what I mean by clean. Obviously, this applies to more than just clean rooms. Whenever you're in a relationship with someone-- be that a friend, family member, significant other, or Bob the deli guy-- having a shared language is how we are able to communicate with one another.

Obviously, English does some of this for us. But if you find yourself getting into constant arguments and never feeling heard, it might be time to back up and check that you have a shared understanding around the words, phrases, and expectations that constantly lead to those arguments.

The stories I told myself. When I was 12, I started playing a video game called Neverwinter Nights, which rapidly became one of my favorite games of all time. It's essentially, an online Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game.

One day in game, I was in a tavern in the seedy little part of town and somebody beat me up in game. When that happens, there's a sound effect when somebody clicks on your little bag to look at it. I heard that sound effect and got really pissed off that somebody had taken all of my stuff.

So once I got up, I ran over to the city guard-- played by another player-- and told them that somebody stole my stuff. When we went to check, all my stuff was still there. I assumed that the player had beat me up and taken all my stuff and not just looked into it. And thus, I got really frustrated and angry.

I came from one perspective, and then acted according to the story I told myself. Note, the use of the word story here. Because my assumptions were just that. Things I assumed not based in any fact.

The reality of the matter is I heard a sound effect, but I assumed someone stole all my in-game items I spent hundreds of hours collecting, and so I proceeded to get very angry. Once I realized that I was incorrect, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so sure that the other players stole my belongings. Instead, he had just looked inside to see what I had and ended up taking nothing.

Here's another example of the type of story I'm talking about. Imagine, it's 8:00 PM. And you've just run out of milk. And you don't have time to go to the store in the morning so you send someone from your household to go get the milk at the grocery store. And they say, OK, I'll be back by 9:00 PM. It's just going to take me a while to get the milk, but I'll be back soon.

Now, it's 9:30, and they still aren't back. So you try calling them. You try texting them. No answer, so you start to panic. Now, it's 10:00 PM. And they still aren't back. And your mind is racing, asking, what happened? What does this mean?

Since you have no data, you start making up stories and guessing. Maybe they got in a car accident. Maybe they were kidnapped. Maybe they have a flat tire. Or maybe they won the lottery. You have literally, no idea. These are examples of assigning meanings and stories. And these are an essential part of everyday life.

Can you imagine how it would be if when you had a problem or a lack of information, you couldn't just make up stories and have a best guess? We wouldn't be able to function. Stories are essential to our lives. And they drive our everyday functions. Everything from alarm beeping indicating it's time to get up to the green light signaling it's time to go to my stomach gurgling that it's time to be hungry.

The problem is we often don't have enough data to really derive a true meaning or story so we need to make up a guess. Sometimes, those guesses can end up generating more problems.

Let's say you take a math test and get a C on it. You could say, "I suck at math," but here's the thing. You don't know that you suck at math. The only true thing you do know is that you got a C on a math test.

Obviously, you did not answer all of the questions correctly on the math test. That's the fact. All other stories and meanings that stem from that fact could swing either way. You could say, "I suck at math. Therefore, it is worthless to try to study," or you could equally say, "I just didn't study hard enough. Therefore, I need to study harder next time." Both are valid, but the story that you choose greatly affects your life going forward.

The story that you choose will create a positive or negative self-reinforcing feedback loop that can color your identity-- your story of yourself-- for years to come. If you tell yourself the story that you are bad at math, you won't study. And when the next math test comes around, you will get a bad grade. Thus, proving that you suck at math, because you didn't even try to study because it was pointless. Now, on the other hand, if you tell yourself the story that you are good at math and just didn't study hard enough, you'll take the actions necessary to figure out where you went wrong, improve, and do better next time.

So how do you choose a story that serves you best? It starts by separating out the fact from the story about the fact. In our math test example, the fact is that you didn't get all the questions right. The story is why that occurred.

Once you start to practice separating out the fact from the story, you can challenge that story. What other stories could be true? Is it possible that you don't suck at math and were just having a bad day? Is it possible that other stories about yourself could be told differently? The better you get at telling yourself stories that serve you, instead of steal your power, the better off you'll be in life.

You mean, I don't need to figure everything out from scratch? I remember when I found out that personal development was a thing. The phrase "personal development" has a lot of different meanings. So what I'm referring to in this context is that people have figured out how to actually be competent in all areas of life, including marriage, dating, food, finances, education, psychology, health, et cetera. They've figured out how to be successful in life, and they have documented each and every step of how to do it.

You want to learn how to set goals and achieve things? Cool. There are tons of books on the subject that are 600 pages long. Go read The Law of Success by Napoleon Hill. You want to learn how to make money? Go read one of the 10,000 books on investing.

You want to have a better relationship with your friend, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, niece, wife, or husband. There are lots of books on that subject, too.

Beyond books, there are people whose whole career focuses on teaching this information. People like Tony Robbins, John Gray, Suze Orman, and many others who are experts in their field. They're literally documenting each step and saying, here's how I got from being a homeless person to living in a mansion, and here's exactly what I did at each step. And here's how I went from being an anxiety-driven wreck to being calm, cool, and collected, and I've documented each step. The trick, though, is believing that. I reiterate, the trick is believing in that.

I didn't believe that it could work for me. I believed that sure, the concept worked, but it didn't apply to me. But I wanted to believe them. I wanted to believe that it was possible for me to achieve my dreams. I wanted to believe that it was possible for me to do what I wanted to do.

So here's what I did. I had a 7 foot long poster printed out and I stuck it on the wall opposite my bed, so it was the first thing I saw when I woke up and the last thing I saw when I went to bed. It says, "Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing." Muhammad Ali.

I looked at that poster every day for over two years with the belief that if I put in a different message in front of me every single day, it would begin to shape my focus. What I found is that as I began to think about this more and more, my thoughts began to slowly shift. But the shift wasn't big enough. I was still in college failing and not really knowing what I wanted to do in life. And failing a few classes. Things weren't working out too well.

Eventually, though, a breakthrough happened. I had this realization. There are people that will actually help you. And if you follow their advice, it will work. That's the part I was missing. I had thought, oh, this will work for everybody, but me.

Next time you have a sticking point in life, you don't need to suffer and figure it out on your own. There are people out there in the world that would be thrilled to help you and show you exactly what they did. They've written books, done TED Talks, produced YouTube videos, and more. The collective knowledge of humanity is waiting for you. The door is unlocked. All you need to do is open it.