Chapter 12, the value of self-acceptance. My name is Gretchen. I'm currently up in Nome, Alaska doing a clinical internship in psychology. I'm originally from the San Francisco area.

I was diagnosed later on in life at the age of 42, so about three years ago. I have two boys, one of whom was diagnosed when he was about a year and a half. Before that, I had previously thought that I might be on the spectrum, but it had taken me several years to actually go get the assessment done for myself. As it turned out, I was on the spectrum.

I put it off because, financially, it's really expensive to get an assessment done. It was also really scary. You think you have this thing that a lot of people pathologize even though it shouldn't be. So it took a bit of nerve to get up and get it done.

During that time, I was also in my second year of a clinical psychology program and wanted to work with individuals who were autistic or had other developmental disabilities. So it was a collision of reasons that made it so I finally went and got it done. Growing up. I was your classic special education child. I was in special ed from second grade all the way through high school.

I received speech therapy for years and years and years. School for me was just boring. I didn't really want to do it until around my sophomore year in high school. I don't remember exactly what it was, but something clicked then and I started trying.

Even when I started trying, I still struggled a lot with math. I got solid D's in that. I've never been formally assessed, but that was a big issue for me in regards to the special ed classes. It took me years just to get through my first pre-algebra class.

I was encouraged by a lot of people to not bother with college. A lot of people told me that it's probably not your thing, or, I don't want to see you get disappointed or frustrated. But after my sophomore year, when things really kicked on, I just felt in my gut that higher education was really something I needed to do, and I did it and ended up proving everybody wrong.

Right now, I'm working on my third doctorate, which is absolutely huge. I think the educational system really pathologizes people with autism. Well, you're in special ed. Don't bother doing a lot of stuff. There's not much hope for you. I'm proof that that type of mindset isn't true at all.

I think we all learn in different ways. It's a lot like that square peg in around hole analogy. There's a focus on one way of learning, even though there's technically accommodations and things like IEPs and 504s available. Many of the teachers and administrators who actually carry those out don't necessarily understand them. They still expect you to conform to their way of learning even though your way is different.

I didn't go with the norm at all. I had to figure out my own way of learning and doing things as I devised my own routines and systems. It wasn't the easiest, but I did it.

After high school, I did some fussing around. I moved out to Utah, was in the Army Reserves for a while, and did a lot of soul searching. Even though my parents wanted the best for me, when I went to college, they were mad at me, literally mad. They were actually pissed.

They didn't think I could do it and it cost too much. So if I was struggling with an assignment, or if there was something school-specific, they just weren't there. They thought I shouldn't be doing what I was doing in the first place. As a result, there were some limitations in terms of support, so I had to grow up fast and build my own support system.

I spent a lot of time working on myself and reading books or listening to audio tapes around that time. The bibliotherapy had been incredibly helpful. The more I learned about myself, the more I was able to accept myself and love myself rather than feeling like some weirdo. Learning about different cultures and reflecting upon where you stand in your current culture was helpful, too, because it really makes you ascertain that everything you see is fluid.

The missing social piece. I've learned that a lot of people on the spectrum have anxiety issues, myself included. But I also noticed that the more I prepared, the less anxious I got. There's definitely a sense of overpreparing and overdoing certain assignments. Sometimes, I can be a bit too ambitious about the tasks I want to get in a certain week or month.

Even with all the positive self-talk, sometimes, it just doesn't happen because the list is too much, and then you shut down and get overwhelmed. Instances like those are hard, but it really goes to show you the value of self-acceptance and learning to live realistically within your own limitations and abilities. It's really interesting, because in the eyes of traditional American culture, someone who has two doctorates and is working on their third has achieved quite a lot.

But in some ways, for me, it doesn't feel like I have at all. I hate showers, but I force myself to take them because it's part of our culture, and you are not accepted if you stink. Sometimes, it's difficult to do the executive functioning things, like setting aside clothes and preparing lunch for the upcoming day.

I'm still missing a big chunk of that social piece. There's still that social awkwardness. I used to overshare a lot because I used to think, oh, you're my friend. I can tell you literally anything. That backfired on me plenty of times. It has been difficult, but lesson learned.

I spend a lot of time trying to observe other people. You can learn a lot of correct social behavior that way. In a way, society is modeling the behavior that is expected of you. Granted, there's different people who model different types of behaviors, so you need to find the people you respect and you want to emulate. It's more acceptable to take on certain characteristics than others, so make sure that what you are trying to copy.

I still, to this day, do a lot of masking so I know how to behave and what to say. It's especially difficult because there's different levels of social interaction and you've got to pick and decide what level your relationship with the person you are interacting with is and then adjust what you say accordingly. One of the great things is that autism is becoming more and more accepted. Even compared to 5 or 10 years ago, a lot of progress has been made, although there is still plenty of work left to be done.

I remember telling someone that I was on the spectrum, and they looked at me cross-eyed. I had a clinical supervisor, and after I told him I was on the spectrum, he flat out stopped looking me in the eye. I think instances like that still happen and will continue to happen. But hopefully, they will become less and less prominent.

Advice for others. I have a lot of thoughts. One of them is that the education system needs a lot of changes. It needs a lot of work. There are teachers who have their hearts in the right place, but don't necessarily support autistic students adequately.

I've seen stories and worked with students who have had their rights denied. It's unfortunately, a very prevalent thing. For example, in an IEP, a student might be allowed to have fidgets in the classroom, but it gets misconstrued for being a toy and the teacher takes it away. Other times, children get kicked out of class for talking or misbehaving when it's really just a misinterpretation of them asking for clarification of the instructions. Even many special education classrooms tend to still focus on older styles of learning instead of embracing new ideas.

I'm a big proponent of embracing a universal learning design. It's an absolutely incredible model for teaching kids, or even adults on the spectrum. Its focus is on encompassing individuals with neurological differences through strength-based education. It's a much more positive and flexible stance rather than medical and deficit models of disability. Instead of forcing students to adapt to the curriculum, the curriculum adapts to the students.

I think the most important thing I can convey is that autism is not a death sentence. Your child can do anything they set their mind to, even if it requires a little bit more support and initiative. It just makes me so sad to see all the people in the world who have had to drop out of school or have been let go from their jobs because they're autistic.

Even I am gradually still learning what things are OK to say and what things are not, and I think that is an area where a lot of autistic people can trip up. That and the general pathologization of the world. Autism is not horrible at all.

I love when I get to hyper focus and crank out a publication, code, research interviews, or whatever I've been working on. The ability to hyper focus is awesome. It has been incredibly helpful in my life, and I love being able to look at things from a different perspective.

One thing, however, is that I wish I was diagnosed sooner. There's plenty of research and evidence suggesting that a lot of the diagnostic criteria for autism has been normalized for boys. As a result, many women like myself either go undiagnosed or get diagnosed much later in life. That diagnosis can be so validating, and growing up with a neurodiversity emphasized mindset and having acceptance is so, so important.

If a child is diagnosed early and they are able to have the acceptance of why they are different rather than stressing out over why they have difficulty understanding social nuances, I think they will be much more likely to be successful. I'm obviously on the spectrum myself, but I'm also the parent of children on the spectrum. My boys are amazing, and you can learn all sorts of fun stuff if you work on viewing the world through their eyes, not through your eyes or what the world expects them to be. So my last piece of advice would be to embrace yourself and others for who they are and what their perspective on things is.