Chapter 16-- "Holding onto Hope. My name is Nicole. I live in Texas, and I'm in my 50s. I was diagnosed about three years ago. There's a clinic near me that works with adults. I forget how I first learned about them, but their specialty is in working with adults. At that time, I had some kind of insurance-- either Obamacare or Medicaid.

It had been on my mind for a long time, so, by having insurance, I jumped on the opportunity to go in. It seemed like it took all day. They did this huge battery of tests and interviews, and afterwards they came back and said that I was on the spectrum. Throughout my entire life, I've been in and out of counseling and mental health services for anxiety, depression, and things like that.

It wasn't until about 10 years ago when I was working in a bookstore that I came across a book called Pretending to be Normal. The title grabbed me because I really identified with that phrasing. The woman who wrote it explained that she had Asperger's, so that started me on a path of curiosity, as I hadn't heard of that before. The cluster of troubles that she was describing were really similar to my own experiences, especially in the working world and socially.

"Struggles on the Job." I've always known what my own interests are. I've been very passionate about different things, but turning those into language that the workplace can understand and utilize has been a major struggle. There's always something socially that goes sideways, and I find myself making the wrong people angry about the wrong things.

I usually never understand where it came from. And by the time it's happened, I am mystified as to how to fix it. As a result, I usually end up escorting myself away from it or being put out. For example, one of my interests is flowers, so I decided maybe a good way to work with that would be to get a job in a floral shop.

I was there for a few weeks and things seemed to be going fine until there was a certain point where I'd been put on a certain group of projects. I was working on them, but there was a set of instructions that the supervisor gave me, and I had some questions about them because they didn't seem very clear in terms of how I was supposed to perform my task.

I think it may have been the second or third time I went to my supervisor to ask her a question to resolve my confusion and she got really angry with me. She said, I don't understand. Why can't you just get with it? That made me even more confused, so I asked her, get with what? That just made her more angry, and things devolved from there.

It all ended when there was a floral order that the owner of the company gave me scribbled out on a piece of paper. I went and asked a couple of times what I was looking at because I couldn't read it. That seemed to make people angry, and it was almost like I shouldn't have asked in the first place. My concern was that this was an order and I needed to get it correct.

A couple days after that incident, someone came back from vacation and they called me into the office and fired me. So that was the end of that. That situation is typical of what I've experienced with my work life. There will be some task or something I'm supposed to do. I'll ask for clarification because the instructions were confusing to me.

Then somewhere in the process of asking for that, regardless of how much I've rehearsed it, thought about it, or written it out, there's usually a point in there where whomever I'm asking seems to be upset about the fact that I'm asking. Different industries, different jobs. There's always this point in the communication where I seem to be in the complete opposite place of where I'm supposed to be.

It would be helpful if somebody came out and explained to me things in a way that actually made sense in terms of doing whatever job I'm doing at the time, but that never seems to happen. There seem to just be some things that I'm just supposed to understand that I don't get. And in the process of asking for clarification, things just ratchet up. People end up getting really upset with me, and then I don't know what to do about it.

I'm not going to lie, moving in and out of jobs so often has been extremely hard. I've tried many different things. When I've had insurance, I've gone in and tried to do counseling. Even when I didn't have insurance, I've tried different medications for anxiety and depression. I've put a lot of time into trying to take care of my physical health by exercising, resting, and things like that, with varying degrees of success.

Right now, what I'm trying to do is read a lot because that does help me. Other times, going for walks helps because I can just kind of meditate. I also have a very strong interest in art, so sometimes looking at art helps a lot. Even with all the things I try, it can be really hard to keep an even keel with all of it because sometimes it just seems like there's simply never a break for me.

When things change, I don't seem to adjust to it or get back to normal as quickly as people around me tend to do. I do my best to try to stay somewhat sane, but I have to leave it to others to tell if I actually am. "Mental Imaging." Despite the many struggles in some ways, part of the way that I had perceived the world has been an asset.

I remember a temp job I had years ago at a tire warehouse. My sole function was to figure out how to maximize storage space in the warehouse while keeping in mind the deliveries coming in and going out. I found that once I had taken a walk through the warehouse and knew the different types of tires and sizes, I was able to see in my mind what was going on spacewise across the floor without having to actually go out there.

My coworkers would question if I actually knew what I was doing, but things would always turn out right. It really puzzled people because they weren't quite sure how I was able to do it, but it was all just mentally there in my mind. I saw it. My coworkers really began to see that as an asset because I could still be at my desk setting up schedules for deliveries without having to spend a lot of extra time on the warehouse floor. I was able to use all my time on task, as I was able to keep a picture of the entire warehouse in my mind.

"Life Now." A couple of years ago, about a year or so after my diagnosis, I was able to qualify for SSDI. It's a very small amount and not nearly enough to live on, but it helps me buy food and other necessities. Along with that, I also discovered a program through Social Security that I'm utilizing called Ticket to Work.

It's a voluntary program you can sign up for. And because I enrolled, I was able to go to my local workforce commission and talk to them. What they do is arrange a scholarship for you to go to school. I don't think they do bachelor's degrees. I think it has to be an associate's degree. But I'm involved in that right now, working on an associate's degree in network administration.

It's not particularly my dream degree, but after researching information about how my brain works and about trying to combine that with a job I can do well and move up in, that was the degree I chose. As of this interview, I have about four classes left to finish, so I should be done this coming spring. And then there will be some certification exams that I will have to take and pass.

Hopefully, by next summer, I'll be in an internship or a job trying to get established, and hopefully move on from there. I'm hoping with all of my heart that it will be something that I can be judged on by doing my job and not any of the workplace politics. I'd also, if I have enough energy left at the end of the day, like to be able to explore other interests and passions that I have without worrying so much whether or not those things can be monetized.

I have a lot of things I want to do and feel a lot of stress not being able to pursue them. Because when I'm not able to explore those things, I get really depressed. So being in a position where I can go and do things, whether or not they will lead into a job for me, would be wonderful.

"Advice for Others." My advice for others would be to persist. Persistence is the key. The way I look at my life is that I have two options. One, trying to live the kind of life that I envisioned for myself. Two, or not. The fact is I am going to live for however many more decades I have, and those decades are going to come and go whether or not I try to pursue the kind of life I want, so I may as well go for it.

I think it's important if you're a certain age to not get bogged down with thinking, geez, I'm already 50, so it's too late. It really isn't too late. As long as you wake up in the morning and you're alive, that's another chance to try to live the kind of life you envision for yourself. Another thing I would recommend would be to think about concrete steps you can take each day.

I know that, with the way my mind works, I can get bogged down in the details. As a result, I have to constantly remind myself that I need to set one concrete task for myself each day that is going to get me one step or even a half step closer to some goal that I am envisioning for myself. If it turns out that I can't do something that day because something happens, something changes, or I get tired, then I forgive myself. There is always tomorrow.

Don't beat yourself up for things you can't do, but make sure that you are monitoring yourself so you do not get bogged down in the details and are actually taking steps. I give myself deadlines, and that has been very helpful. Even if I don't know if I'm going to make a deadline, having some kind of reminder on my calendar to let me know that, by a certain point, I had intended to have something done, helps me keep on top of things.

Lastly, really identify with what makes your heart go faster. Identify the things you love, and be intentional without doing something with or about those things. Without the things that give you true enjoyment, there is not much else in this life, so follow those. I've been through a lot of things in my life.

Growing up, I did not expect to make it to 50. I really didn't. Statistically, it is a miracle that I'm still here. There were so many times when I was so depressed and suicidal and I just wanted to throw my hands up, but I didn't. I'm still here, and I'm trying to live a good life for myself. If I can get to this point in my life and be reasonably happy with myself, I'm convinced that it can happen for just about anybody who wants to live and contribute and insist on a space in this world.