Struggling to Connect-- Fatherhood with My Asperger's Child. Chapter 8-- Finding Connection in the Fight. My name is Jacob, and my son is Josh. Josh is on the spectrum. He was diagnosed in about fourth grade with Asperger's, intermittent explosive disorder, and oppositional defiant disorder.

Josh is a fantastic kid, but when he would become overwhelmed, he could become physical. For him, it was either fight or flight. And when he would try to flight, someone would stand in a doorway, telling him he was not allowed to leave.

The caveat is that Josh is not a small individual. At 18 years old, he is 6 feet 9 inches and about 280 pounds. At one point, when he was 14 years old, he was 6 foot 4 inches and about 320 pounds. So as you can imagine, when someone is standing in the doorway saying, no, you're not allowed to leave, both people were going through the door.

It has been a challenge. We've been to a children's hospital psych ward eight different times, and he's been to six different schools. But I'm happy to report that Josh is now 18 years old, he is currently off all medications, continuing to do online school, and stands a very good chance of graduating early this year from high school.

My ex-wife and I got divorced when Josh was one. We actually had 50% custody until 2013, when I was awarded full custody of all three of my kids. At that particular time, I really took a more active role in his treatment plan.

I'm a firm believer that it's more of the environment that you allow kids to be in than necessarily drugging them to get the result you want. I was very against any kind of medication. My fear was that he was just going to sit in a chair and become some kind of zombie. So I was very hesitant to put him on some sort of medication to try and control his behaviors.

His doctor explained to me that, as many medications as there are for ADHD, the same number of kinds of pop are out there in America. There's Coca-Cola. There's Pepsi. There's Big K Cola. There's 7UP. There's Sprite. There's root beer. There's orange pop. There's red pop. Trying to figure out what medicines work for each individual kid is sort of like trying to figure out exactly what kind of pop each kid likes. That gave me a very good understanding that it's not an exact science as you try to identify what works for each kid.

So Josh went through several different medications. One of them caused him to gain weight. Another was used to combat weight gain. But at his size and at his physicality, I thought it was absolutely necessary to protect others and himself, even though I had a rough time accepting the use of medications at first.

Learning to adapt-- in dealing with his size and physicality, I really had to learn how to control my emotions in order to help him control his emotions. I grew up with a father who was a very strong disciplinarian. If you acted up in my dad's house, my dad put it backhand on you or smacked the snot out of you. It was a different environment and a different time. But the main point is you did not question my dad's rules.

As Josh developed and his behavior showed themselves more, I learned that I had to deal with things differently. If things escalated, I would put my hands in my pockets and approach him in a nonthreatening manner saying, hey, dude, what do you need? I'm not mad at you. What can I help with? And that seemed to help bring his level down.

In times when he would get physical, I would grab him and put him in a bear hug. And as I was holding him, I would calm him down, saying, you're all right. I'm not mad at you. The pressure of me holding on to him and the tone of my voice seemed to ease him.

That being said, to say that through the years we haven't had a hole or two in our house would be lying, whether Josh put it there or whether in the emotion of trying to grab him, we tussed a little bit. Regardless, as I learned to control my emotions, he learned to control his.

Through the years, I've got a booming voice. I coached football for years, and I learned that me yelling at him did nothing but increase the escalation. I also had to learn to change my expectations and perceptions. Having autism, it was very difficult for him to look at someone in the eye. That was just something he couldn't do. And when we would go and talk about what his behaviors or what his actions were, he would cover himself with a blanket. While it was different compared to my childhood, I learned that even if Josh wasn't looking at me, he was still listening.

The same goes with stimming. I had to learn that it was OK if he fidgeted with something while I was talking to him because that gave him a calming sensation. But yet, it also allowed him to listen to me. If I tried to force it and physically turn him around and say, you're going to look at me when I talk to you, all that did was give us another escalation.

In 2015, my older boy joined the Marine Corps. And from then on, it has just been Josh and I. Think that may have made it a calmer environment for him, and we weren't traveling and going to see his brother play sports all the time. We spent a lot more one-on-one time together.

I watched one of the Asperger Experts videos years ago. I believe it was Danny and his dad, and it was about how his dad would sit with him and play Pokemon cards. He didn't care for Pokemon, but he learned that by sitting and doing something that his child enjoys, all of a sudden, his child would start opening up.

For Josh, his thing was SpongeBob. I personally cannot stand SpongeBob. But this one particular SpongeBob movie came out. And he goes, Dad, I want to watch something, but I don't think you will. And I said, what, dude? And then he goes, will you watch a SpongeBob movie with me?

And I said, you know what? Yes. It was all because I watched that video, and it gave me the push to walk through a door that I needed to walk through. And that opened up avenues for me.

I also found out that Josh loves being outside. Sitting in a creek is his zen place. He would rather be sitting in a creek somewhere than doing anything else in the world. So we would go hiking. And on the drive there, he would be on his phone, watching videos or whatever. And then we would hike, and I would even use some of my life experiences to teach him things.

This one particular time, we show up to a trail, and it was very crowded. He said, Dad, I can't. And I told him, dude, no problem. Let's check out a different one. So instead of trying to force him to do something that he wasn't comfortable with, it's about being flexible. And the main idea is that we get to do something together.

In going through that, as we were walking on one of the paths, there was a group of maybe 10 individuals in front of us. One of them happened to be a 16-year-old girl. And Josh, being a similar age and a typical kid, was attracted to the girl. I noticed he kept wanting to catch up to them. So we caught up to them several times, and he engaged with them and did that pretty well.

On the way home that night, he said something about, hey, Dad, do you ever think I'll have a girlfriend? I said, dude, you're a good-looking kid. You're a big, strong kid. Absolutely. But here's the kicker-- Josh wouldn't brush his teeth. I don't know if it was the sensation of the foaming action, the bristles, or something else. He just wouldn't do it. And at over 6 feet, I can't hold him down and make him brush his teeth.

So I told him in the car that night, yes, you're going to have a girlfriend someday. But I guarantee you, no girl is ever going to kiss you if you don't start brushing your teeth, because that nasty breath is going to be horrible. That boy came home that night and started brushing his teeth. So I was able to use life experiences to sort of adapt some of his behavior. But it couldn't be what I wanted for him. It had to be what he wanted.

I think our biggest thing is we built trust. He learned that he could trust me above everybody else. I was a safe spot. I held him accountable. If he got physical, I made him write an apology letter. If he hurt someone or damaged property, there would be a disciplinary action. But I didn't hold that against him after he paid the price. No matter what he did, my love for him was unconditional. I was not going to change.

Advice for other dads-- my biggest advice would be to not take tense moments personally. When your child is yelling F-bombs at you, saying things like, stay the blank away from me, or I hate you, those are not easy things for a parent to hear. But if you realize that it's not personal and that, in their minds, they are overwhelmed and don't know how else to react or what else to do, that can be very helpful in those moments.

For Josh, it's like walking him off a windowsill. When he's in that escalation mode, it's not the time for a teaching moment. You cannot try to teach someone when they are overwhelmed.

Once it is later, and they have calmed down, that's when you do the after-action review and say, hey, dude, you wanted a candy bar, but yet you ran over, grabbed the candy bar, screamed, I'm going to take this. I'm going to take this. That didn't get you what you wanted. How could you have gotten what you wanted? Your way of doing it didn't work. So let's try it this way the next time. We worked on these types of things over and over again. But because we were willing to work through those scenarios, it helped him, and he now knows how to ask for things.

I've also had to learn that it's sort of give and take as well. I'll be honest, I have a very high standard in my house. I will not live in clutter. I can't stand it. I'm a bit OCD, but cleanliness is just not on the list of Josh's priorities. I do laundry, and as soon as it comes out of the dryer, I fold my shirts a certain way. I spent eight years in the military. Josh, on the other hand, would rather have his clothes all over the floor of his room.

As he got older, I would say things like, dude, it's your responsibility to get your clothes up to order. Don't come crying to me if you're out of underwear, and you haven't brought it up to the laundry. You're old enough. You're responsible enough.

I called up a friend of mine whose son was also on the spectrum, and it turns out she was struggling with the exact same thing. Sometimes you just have to concede certain things.

Josh is in his own unique world. He sees things differently than I do, and that's what makes his world so wonderful. You and I are not the same. We're different, and that's a wonderful thing. You don't have to do things exactly the way I do. I just ask that they get done.