Struggling to Connect, Fatherhood with my Asperger's Child. Chapter 10, A Special Bond with My Daughter. My name is Owen. I am 56 years old and a father of five daughters. My fourth oldest child is the one that has been diagnosed as on the spectrum. It was a very interesting journey as we tried to find out what was happening with her and getting the help and resources that she needed.

At the end, we actually ended up discovering that I also had it. I always had an idea that something was different about me in the way I related to other people and the way I interacted with my peers. There was always something off, and my peers knew it, but did not know how to explain it. I knew it, too, but didn't know how to explain it either.

I came from a generation where we didn't believe in doctors. We did not believe in going to seek medical help unless it was absolutely vital, so going and getting diagnosed at a young age was something that never would have happened. As a child, I was labeled and called every kind of thing. I was hard headed.

I was rebellious. I was different. I was weird. I didn't want to conform. I did all the little non-social things, but I was told that I was too smart and too verbal, so nothing ever really came of it. I went through my life just saying, OK, I'm just really different. I'm going to avoid people and try not to deal with them as much as possible.

I became a hermit in the sense that I just went to work, came home, minded my business, and didn't bother with anybody. As a result, it began to affect my work life. It began to affect my family life. I had all kinds of struggles. I couldn't relate to other people. Other people couldn't understand me. Looking back, it is extremely clear cut that I've had Asperger's all my life, but it just wasn't obvious until my fourth child.

Father and daughter versus the world. Some of the similarities we picked up right from the start. The way she interacted with people, the way she would hide from people, the way she would talk to people. Sometimes, she would be so soft you couldn't hear her, and then sometimes so loud you could hear her a mile away.

Very smart, very intelligent, but very people adverse. She did not want to be around people or talk to them. It reminded me of when I was young. I would go and hide in a tree house that I made. Other times, I would run into the woods with my sleeping bag and bury myself under the leaves and hide. Likewise, she built a little hiding place under her bed where she would run to when she was stressed out.

We were just so similar. It wasn't long before people started saying to her the same things that they said to me. What's wrong with you? Why can't you just fit in? And so that began to be the first inkling that there might be something worth checking out. So we got her evaluated, and they came back with a diagnosis of Asperger's.

That's when the light went off for me. So upon talking with my wife, I went to get checked out as well and was subsequently diagnosed with Asperger's. When I heard those words, it was like a great burden had been lifted. I'll never forget that moment when I finally got that diagnosis. I literally sat in a parking lot and cried for about an hour because it all made sense.

Everything I had dealt with, all the misunderstanding, all the "he's weird" and "he's different" finally made sense I was now welcome on Earth. I now have a place. I don't fit in, but I was never made to fit in. I was already made different from the jump. Others just did not recognize what I was dealing with or how I was wired and how to interact with me. As a result, I was made to feel bad, but the reality was on them because they did not know.

Because of our mutual diagnosis, my daughter and I have ended up having an extraordinarily special bond. She knows where I'm coming from, and I know where she is coming from. I know her feelings. I know her emotions.

One of the things that we say all of the time between us is, "Asperger's is what's right with me." We never say that it's what's wrong with us. It's always what's right with me. It's who we are, and we embrace it. She embraces it, and I embrace it. We allow ourselves to be fully different regardless of what other people think.

To be able to be on the same level with one another has been such a blessing. It's been so amazing to see this child that has been so shy, quiet, and reserved finally start coming out of her shell. She ended up joining band and even doing cheerleading for a short season. She didn't like it, but she tried it and began to do things that were more people-oriented.

Because she felt she was understood at home, she had the information and tools to understand that it was OK when she felt like she was different. She had a place to go where she could be herself as opposed to feeling different, weird, and pushed off to the side.

The validation and knowing there's somebody there that says, I know where you are because I've been where you are, or I am still where you are and have moments with withdrawal and breakdowns, is really just a game changer.

Other than developing that mutual understanding of one another, there are a lot of things in my life that I have learned that I have been able to pass on to her. One of the things that I've done over the years is that I allow myself the time each day to make a "What I've Done" list as opposed to "What To Do" list.

A lot of people start the day and say, I need to do A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Opposite of that, I go and say, I have done A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Doing that helps both of us not get so overwhelmed with a lot of the tasks that come our way. Another thing that I've tried to teach her is that it's OK to have stressful moments and times.

It's OK to feel what you are feeling, take a break, and walk away from the situation. She's an artist and a musician. She loves to draw and do things like that. Creativity is her thing.

So even now that she is in college, she knows that it's perfectly OK to go draw and block stuff out in her hidey hole, so that has been very helpful in regard to processing and dealing with things, even though she is away at college in a dorm. No matter where she is, when she gets stressed out and overwhelmed, she's able to deal with it.

I think the last major thing I taught her is that not everybody is going to understand, especially people who aren't on the spectrum or aren't directly connected to somebody that is. Those people are not always going to understand how to respond or how to speak, and that's going to be hard to understand.

It's important to not always be defensive nor let conversations like that let you melt down. Sometimes, you have to leave those conversations, and then maybe come back to them when you are ready to deal with them.

In addition to that, it is always OK to filter things out that you don't need to be involved in. It's OK to say no. She's a very people person in the sense that she wants people to like her, so teaching her how to say no has been another big thing.

Advice for other dads. Love your child no matter how different your expectations of what you think they should be or could become are. We have to learn to embrace the differences. When we learn to embrace the differences, it's a much better journey for all of us.

There are a lot of parents, and dads in particular, that want to live vicariously through our children to the point that we want to force them to do the things that we failed in doing-- becoming a professional athlete or whatever. You cannot do vicarious living through them. You have to let them chart and create their own path as opposed to forcing them down the path that you want them to go.

You've got to love them despite their differences. You've got to learn from them. There is so much to learn. Take the time to listen to them. What they're saying may be seen as different to you, but it's not necessarily wrong. It's just different, and different is not a bad thing.

Just because somebody is different doesn't mean they're not awesome. Everybody in the world has their individual challenges, whether it's Asperger's, autism, whatever we're dealing with. We have our own individual challenges. We have got to learn to love and see each other despite the differences that are immediately presented on us.

I am blessed to be a coach of athletes, and I've been coaching for years. I have all different types of athletes in my programs. One of the things I try to create is a culture of success through embracing differences. I tell them, don't let anybody else find your success for you. You can define your own path to success.

So with the kids on my teams, with my daughter, with you who is reading this, let them define themselves. Give them the tools that they need, yes. Encourage them. But you can't define it for them. You've got to let them find their way. And if it's different, it's different. Whatever it is, let it be that.

Embrace it and encourage them in it. They will thank you for it. Your relationship will blossom because of it. They will be a better person because you have not forced them to fit into a hole that was not made for them.