Struggling to Connect-- Fatherhood with My Asperger's Child. Chapter 1-- Developing a Different Relationship. I'm Marshall. I am the father of Jackson. He is 16 years old. We knew something was different at around age two. We went through a bit of a process. I think he was three or four when he met with a psychologist and he was four or five when he was officially diagnosed.

We had some ideas as we started meeting with the psychologist, and that psychologist was the first thing that really helped. We had great resources and daycare workers, daycare owners, and preschool teachers that helped us a lot with recognizing some of the differences with our son that led to diagnosis.

But it was the actual diagnosis itself that helped us know how to help him better. It helped us understand what made him tick and understand why he couldn't relate to us in the way we wanted him to. When Jackson was little, as we were figuring things out, noises would set him off. He was a loner and wouldn't interact with other kids and other people.

With my other kids, they'd run up and give hugs and spend time with family and friends. When they cried, they'd come to my wife and me. But Jackson wasn't like that. When he cried, he would push away and run away. My wife was his person and still is his person. And every now and then, he'll come up and give her squeezes.

It was hard for me because he wouldn't relate to me on the level I wanted him to, and it felt like he didn't like me. I was just so used to kids that would show their affection, so he and I didn't have much of a relationship. During the times that I would want to be there for him as a dad, when I could tell he needed something, he wouldn't let me be there. When he was just a kid running around, he wanted to be by himself and do his own thing.

I'm a very loving person. I like hugs and I'm pretty outgoing, so for me it was really hard. It was really hard to think that this kid I love with all my heart might never have a relationship with me or that I wouldn't be able to talk to him or help him when he had questions. He didn't understand what I was trying to do to help. He didn't see what I was trying to do as being helpful. It just broke my heart.

It wasn't until around the age of eight or maybe nine that he started to realize that I cared about him and that I was actually smart and knew a couple of things. He's highly intellectual and loves to have deep conversations. So when we left the area of needing purely emotional support to more of being able to have an advanced conversation, we finally started to build our relationship.

He was also starting to become more self-aware and wanting to figure out what being on the spectrum meant, how it affected him, and how he could get along with the world. It's neat to see him learn and figure out emotion. I think he's learning from others how he should feel or should react. Whether he actually feels it or not, he's able to at least figure out some of those social cues, where before he couldn't.

From the intellectual conversations we started having, he recognized that I had some intelligence and that I had value and worth beyond just being a person to provide for the family. For Father's Day, we did a video for my church and asked the kids, what is it that you love about your dad? His comment was that he could turn to me and ask me the hard questions and I was always there for the conversation and those kinds of things.

The Difficulties We Still Have. There are still difficulties. When he was younger, I know he was looking for safety and security, but sometimes I still question whether he recognizes the emotions of love, trust, and other feelings. I think he understands them from an intellectual perspective, but does he actually feel it in the same way that I do?

About two or three months ago, he made a statement that he didn't really see a need for having a family, that he didn't see the need for having me and my wife. He didn't see a need to have a relationship. And to me, that was another jab in the heart. We figured out that what he was trying to communicate is that he gets strength from his friends and that he feels safe and comfortable with us, but yet it just wasn't the same emotional connection.

It was just his way of expressing the way he connects to the family. He knows family cares about him, but he gets more strength from his interactions with his friends and other things outside instead of his relationship with his family. And I think it's because he knows that we're not going anywhere.

But to me, what I heard was, I don't want to be a part of this family and I'm not really interested in being a part of this family. I'm going to go do my own thing. That's hard because, to me, family is really important. But now he understands how we feel and why we misunderstood what he was trying to tell us.

He's still a teenager, so there are still times when he acts like a teenager. I have to think to myself, so are you acting like this because you're on the spectrum or are you acting like this because you're a teenager, or is it both? But I think that it's been fun to see him grow because he is figuring out who he is.

He's such a neat and amazing kid. The kid is so talented. He's so smart. That's the thing. We've always told him how brilliant he is. It's also nice because I think he's recognizing how our relationship as dad and son is different than that of a friend relationship. He's starting to come into an understanding of the differences between certain kinds of relationships.

For me, just knowing that we do finally have a relationship is amazing. There is a level of love and emotion in our relationship, and he looks at me differently from some other guy he would have a really great intellectual conversation with. He has great relationships with teachers, but I think he still recognizes our relationship as being a little different than that because we are father and son. So that's helpful to me. I really feel like he knows I'm his dad and that I care about him as a dad.

Advice for Other Dads. My advice to other dads would be to never give up. Know that even if they don't get it, love them like you would anyway. You're the dad. The dad doesn't ever go away. My wife and I both worked really hard within and outside the school systems to figure out what his needs are. And I think that's really the greatest thing-- just recognizing each kid is different and figuring out what makes them tick and how to interact with them.

The fact I never gave up and kept working to care for him the best that we could from whatever distance he would let us helped maintain and grow the relationship too because I didn't treat him differently. I still loved him and cared for him and told him I loved him. I still did all the other things I would do for my other kids as well, knowing that sometimes he might not reciprocate it and might not show it back or might not understand what I was saying or doing.

But I knew that I was doing all I could to care for him and to let him know that he had a family that loved him, cared for him, and was there for him. You always want to do everything you possibly can even though they may not be able to communicate with you the way that you want them to. But know that if they're struggling to communicate with you, they're probably struggling to communicate with others.

So we've always been our kids' biggest advocate and support, and I think that's the main thing. Advocate for them. Support them. And show them love whatever way you can even if you don't feel that that's reciprocated. If you've got a kid on the spectrum, you've got a great kid, a neat kid, and learn to appreciate them for who they are.

My kid fascinates me every single day, and I'm grateful that God gave me this opportunity to be part of his life.