Struggling to Connect-- Fatherhood with my Asperger's Child. Chapter 3, Nurture a Little Bit More.

My name is Jeremy, and I'm the father of a now 18-year-old Asperger's child. He was diagnosed when he was around three or four years old. He has a twin sister, and they were both born three months premature. So they were in the NICU for three months. And when they came home, they were on heart and lung monitors.

They had a lot of therapists. As an infant, they had a couple of therapists that actually came up to us and said, you might want to keep an eye on your son. He's showing some tendencies of autism.

At about age three or four, it started getting to the point where I could discipline his sister but I couldn't discipline him. There was just a disconnect. It just seemed to make things worse. And at that point, we got him tested. And then the diagnosis of Asperger's was confirmed.

I like to dig in. And I'm an analytical guy, so once the therapist told us this could be a possibility, that's actually when I started reading and started researching it a little bit. Initially, there was a little bit of disappointment. But on the other hand, in doing the research, I found out that people with Asperger's are some very talented people. My son didn't fit in with what I originally had hoped for in a son. But he's got a lot of value, talent, and love that I needed to nurture in a slightly different way.

So, for example I'm a big baseball nut I played it. I love to watch it. But it's not for him. We can't take him to a ball game. And that's something I just had to accept. But there are other things that he's interested in that I also find fascinating, too, particularly related to science. He loves to read Stephen Hawking's books and anything of that nature.

When you have kids, you want your kids to be able to relate to some of the same interests that you have, but even though it wasn't exactly what I had been hoping for, it was still awesome. It's kind of like a video game-- once I master it, I stop playing it. So as long as there's a challenge ahead of me, then I want to keep playing because it is really interesting.

Changing methods-- I knew there would be some rough things along the way. A real eye opener was trying to discipline him. We're not talking about corporal punishment or anything like that, just time outs. It seemed like the more I did, the worse everything became. My wife actually pulled me aside and said, hey, this isn't working. You need to nurture a little more. So I started observing my wife because she's a little bit better with nurturing my son.

So I did what I did best and went to go learn-- like I said, a lot of books. I think the first book I read was by Temple Grandin. That was a real eye opener for me as to what was going on, and everything just changed from that point forward. We still have some rough patches. He still has some sensory issues that we're trying to work through that affect everyday living. But by and large, we're just trying to deal with it the best we can.

Starting in school, he had an issue sitting still. He didn't have a lot of sensory issues at that point, or at least if he did, he wasn't showing them. I suspect he probably did have sensory issues and was just good at hiding it. We very quickly got an IEP and all that set up for him. So we had aides from the beginning.

We're kind of lucky to be in the school district that we're in. It's a public school district, but they have a lot of resources, and they're intertwined with a lot of local organizations that are already starting to work with him on volunteering and trying different work-related tasks. We have some help from the government. And he's got a Medicaid waiver. We've got legal guardianship to help him make decisions until he's ready to do that.

So we're in the transition phase right now to try and figure out what he's going to do next. I'm not sure if he's going to go into education or continue his education or if he's just going to go to work. I would think it's probably going to be education-related because he likes science and likes to do research and stuff like that.

Life at home-- at home, it's really important to him to have his own space. So he's got a couple of spaces-- one in the basement and another in his bedroom. We give him this space here at home to let him decompress and do whatever he needs to do.

Sometimes he acts out. For example, he gets upset if anybody's chewing around him. There are some other behaviors that trigger him, like if someone is clearing their throat. Sometimes that will bother him. Snoring really bothers him too. If he gets triggered, what I've realized is best is to not try to punish him for it. Just recognize that he's in the moment and then give him the space to get out of it or help direct him to one of his hideaway spaces.

As far as spending time together, we'll talk about things like outer space. He likes black holes and stuff like that. And to be honest, I don't fully understand everything he tells me. But he seems to get it. Like I said, he likes to read Stephen Hawking books and talk about those sorts of things. So we try to connect on that.

As far as activities go, we try to get him out as much as we can to spaces where there's not a lot of people. Usually hiking is really good for him. Museums are good. But what we usually do is call ahead to the museum and ask them for times when things are pretty quiet, so that way, we can at least work around some of the sensory things. When you can't work around those things, it's all about patience and trying to direct him out of the situation the best we can or trying to explain to other people around him what's going on.

As a parent, a lot of my ability to stay sane and calm comes from experience. I come from a high-pressure job so, I've just programmed myself to think certain ways. There are some Asperger's tendencies that I have myself that I've kind of worked through, but I think the same way he does. When you get in those high pressure situations, at least in my opinion, it doesn't do a lot of good to scream and whine about it. You just have to move to the next step. That's all I do.

So, for example, if my son is reacting, I won't yell at him. That doesn't do any good. I just think to myself, what's the next best thing I can do. It's just constant. I'm a problem solver. And that's what I do for a living. I do lot of IT support. I work with clients that buy our software that cost them millions of dollars, literally. So the pressure is always there.

So just as I've gone through my career, when something comes up, you just move to the next step instead of thinking about how bad it is. My brain goes immediately into problem solving instead. That's actually one of the things I'm trying to work through with him to varying degrees of success-- getting him to think about solving the problems rather than ruminating.

When he gets in the moment and has these reactions, on one hand the reaction is normal, and it's going to happen. But on the other hand, I try to get him to think that, OK, I'm going to react. I'm going to scream and yell, but I also have to get to the next step. So if I can get him to think that way, that'd be great. But if not, we just find another way to work it.

Advice for other dads-- I would encourage other dads to look at the same things that I did. Just start researching. I'd recommend that Temple Grandin book, As I See It. And then from there, they can kind of branch off and research other things in more detail however they want. But that's the number one thing-- they need to research it and get all the information they can.

I'd also tell other dads that you've got to be extremely patient, and you've got to learn when to back off. That's where it's really helpful for me to have my wife, who's very good at that stuff, because she'll check me. I still have issues every now and then where I screw up, too. I'm not saying I've got all this nailed down. Like every other parent on the planet, I'll slip up sometimes.

Ultimately, it comes down to patience. And by patience, I mean not only in dealing with them when they're in the moment, but also as they get older and have progress, or lack thereof. You realize that they're not going to launch like other kids are. They're not going to get to 17 or 18, like I was, and be ready to get out and go. It may take them a while.

Depending upon where they are on the spectrum, a lot of kids or young adults don't leave until maybe their late 20s or around 30-ish. But you've got to be patient. Each kid is different. Let them find their way, and they'll let when they are ready. Our son has already started to make steps in that direction. He knows that he has to do these things to become an adult. And so he's more willing to do them.

I think the main thing I always tell everybody is that these are tremendously talented people, more so than, say, myself or my wife. They have tremendous talent. Their focus on what they're interested in is just laser sharp. As a parent, it's not about you. It's about them. You've got to find out what works best for your child.

Don't expect to have this child grow up and be a superstar athlete or a fantastic speaker or whatever. They're going to choose their own road. And you just have to push them in that direction. So rather than deciding for them and pushing them, you need to let them choose, and then you get behind them and push them in the direction that they're already going.